Hacked By BALA SNIPER
Hacked By Not Matter who am i
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Ahh, new year, new beginnings. As I said before 2013 wasn’t my year. While I’ve been through a lot lately, I feel strong enough to dive right back into the dating world, because let’s be honest, sometimes you need nerves of steel for this shit. I haven’t been single in Portland since I was 22, so now that I’m the ripe old age of 25, I know things. Anyways, I’ve made a few dating resolutions below, just three simple rules I’m going to follow in my love life. Enjoy!
1.) Be honest. I have spent the last quarter century trying not to offend anyone’s sensibilities (my mother was Southern) and I am no longer really interested in doing that. It’s too much work and it’s not all that helpful to anyone to go through life without ever being challenged. Lately I have been in awe of characters in sit-coms who just say what they are thinking like it’s no big deal. “That’s not real life! No one can come up with comebacks that fast and also be brave enough to say them to the OTHER PERSON’S FACE!” I don’t mean that I am going to go to bars and be all, “Ew. What makes you think I would ever accept a drink from a guy with less than three popped collars?” I simply mean I am not going to be afraid of having feelings and expressing them. Sometimes I think that whoever wrote the modern dating rules wanted women to be ice princesses. If you like him don’t let him know too soon. Don’t text him back right away. Do not share your hopes and dreams for the future (clingy!) especially if they include having a family (crazy!). If you can’t be honest when meeting someone new, when can you be?
2.) Set the bar high. The last few times I have been “actively” dating I was very…let’s call it open-minded. I went on dates with a surfer/fire-fighter, dirty (but incredibly talented) musician, passionate carpenter, neoliberal activist, devout Catholic, Marine combat engineer, Navy diver, Air Force pilot, Communist sympathizer, hipster mechanical engineer, Nebraska farm boy, mountain man who lived off the grid (literally), and suburban work-for-the-weekend type. Aside from the apparent military motif, these gentlemen are all over the place! I used to accept dates with whoever asked thinking, “If it’s bad, at least I get free dinner.” (Shameless). Well I’m older now and I like my couch a lot more than I did in my early 20s. It’s time to go for quality over pure availability. Remember that Air Force pilot I told you about here? He is going to be my new bar. I liked him so much because he was just a good person. The kind of person who snowboards behind you the entire time to make sure he can get to you if you need help because you slightly misrepresented your skiing ability when you invited him to go up to the mountain. I don’t want a rich/exciting/super-fing-hot man, I want a good man. I’ll do my best to find one as good or better than the Pilot. My hopes are not very high.
3.) Be brave. I have been in survival mode these last few months, no doubt about it. Grief is an incredibly powerful, physically exhausting emotion. Somewhere, in the midst of being sad, I somehow started being scared. I don’t know why but I’m not going to beat myself up over it, just fix it. I am going to say what I mean. I am going to get on the ski lift and not need to put the bar down. I am going to take that jazz class I’ve been thinking about for months. I am going to ask boys out on dates (maybe). Has life killed me yet? No. After all I have been through, I came out OK. Time to take a few risks* because guess what? Life doesn’t kill you (until it does.)
What are your dating resolutions for this year? I’d love to hear them!
*I don’t mean sexually. Practice safe sex folks!
Lyla’s not my real name, unfortunately. As you will find out later, I am an elementary school teacher and I don’t want to lose my job if I’m caught talking about s-e-x on the interwebs. Anyways, I am your new contributor here at Ignite Fire. Of the other two writers, I’m the only one actually single and boy do I have some stories to tell.
Let’s dive right on in, shall we? I’m a 25-year-old sixth grade teacher and I make about enough money to live while supporting my lust/need for expensive hair products. I spend my working days teaching future generations the correct usage of your/you’re and talking them down from pure hatred toward their best friend for telling their crush about said crush. Oh and I referee four square. God, I hate four square (the playground game, my feelings on the app are non existent).
I’m going to go ahead and say that 2013 was a super shitty year for me. In December 2012 I accepted a proposal (the marriage kind) when I really shouldn’t have which of course fell apart around August. Later that month I got a new job and promptly my mother passed away 5 days before school started. The rest of the year I have been just trying to survive: go to work, do a good job at work, don’t yell at the children, go home, cry, repeat. A few days ago I also messed up a wonderful connection with my favorite fighter pilot in the United States Air Force because I asked the question, “Where do you see this going?” at an inappropriate time. Damn. I held a candle for that boy for longer than I even knew my ex-fiance so I’m a little bummed we can no longer flirt via text message. Oh well, live and learn, amiright?
So here I am, single in a city I haven’t been single in since I was 22 and ready to do this dating thing the right way. Objectively right.
Aziz Ansari thinks so.
Most dating advice you get is terrible. The tactical, micromanaging details you seek out like “should I text him now, or tomorrow morning?” aren’t particularly helpful. Any answer beyond “whatever you would do normally” is meaningless. This goal here is to see whether you (the way you are when you are not asking people for details on texting strategies) like the other person. If the woman is weirded out by the fact that you answered her text message immediately, well then, maybe this isn’t a woman with whom you would be interested in spending a lot of time around? Just a thought.
The most useless question you can possibly ask of a friend is “What does it mean when…?” Nobody knows.
Everybody is different, and everyone responds to the same situation differently. To make the assumption that a person with absolutely no knowledge of the scenario (outside of incredibly biased information that you give them) is going to be able to make a useful analysis of a particular circumstance is asinine. “What does it mean that he texted me back right away yesterday, but hasn’t responded to me for two hours?” I have no idea. Maybe he’s trying to play it cool? But maybe he’s out to dinner with a friend, or at the movies, or in his car, or… or…. or.
What does it mean that she canceled the date on me last second? Dunno. Maybe she’s a flake who had a better offer come up at the last second? But maybe she’s ill, or her dog had to be taken to the emergency room for eating an electrical cord, or her friend needs a shoulder to lean on tonight, or she had a last-second project for work come up and can’t really spare the evening, or… or… or.
People deliberately obfuscate their communications in the early stages of dating in an attempt to, I don’t know, seem more important? attractive? Regardless of the reason, most people (men and women alike) do it. The examples are everywhere:
- You deliberately don’t answer a text message right away
- You wait to return a call for a day or two
- You are guarded in your opinions and don’t respond to a probing question with complete clarity
And on and on.
Micromanaging these lines of communication is de rigueur in the dating world, so be prepared to deal with it. It’s common dating advice, too: you have to seem busy. You can’t let the other person know you’re thinking about him or her all of the time. It comes off as overeager (whatever that means) or, worse, desperate. Play it cool. Don’t rush into sex too soon. Don’t tell him or her such and such about you just yet.
Part of it, I think, is an attempt to keep yourself emotionally guarded in the event that the guy or girl you can’t get out of your head pulls the plug on you and you’re suddenly left exposed and sad, frustrated, angry. This behavior, of course, is in complete conflict with what building a relationship is all about: trust, sharing, emotional vulnerability. These are the very things that you are shelving while trying to “get to know somebody.” It is, in a word, stupid. The reality: Nobody is that busy, that important, that interesting. Keeping some sort of mystery in the equation does nothing more than establish unreasonable expectations that no man or woman can possibly live up to.
If you’re looking to build a relationship, then the point of dating should be to get to know the other person as honestly as possible. Relationships are all about trust and sharing and emotional vulnerability. You have to be willing to become vulnerable. You’ll get hurt, yes. But that’s dating, for you.